http://20six.co.uk/newmaldenhasbeendestroyed
powered by
20six.co.uk
|
|
My Boxing Day so far
The alarm went off and it was still dark outside. A hand reached from the covers and felt for the digital radio's on button - if I did have to regain consciousless, at least I could do so while suckling on the reassuring teat of cricket.
Flintoff was on a hat trick! He steamed in to bowl and... oh dear, down leg side. No hat trick for Flintoff. But at least he's on a hat trick - that means we're doing well... wait, no, hang on, that means they've already bowled us out for some paltry total. It means we're doing really badly. Oh well.
Phone on, text arrives: 'Why is it called Boxing Day?'. No idea, sweetheart. My theory is that during the great plague of 1666 (which was ended, in the end, by the great forward-thinking medical technique of setting everything on fire then running around and screaming a lot) they ran out of boxes to put corpses into, and so the King decreed that the day after Christmas was to be a day for making many coffins. The great surviving peoples of England were told to make coffins out of any material available; such was the stench on that wintry night. So a great clamour went up across the land, and the wonderful English peasantfolk used their famous ingenuity and pluck; soon coffins were readily available, though some were made from other corpses, making a kind of corpse sandwich, or threesome.
And that's why it's called Boxing Day.
I stumbled downstairs, and found meat. My phone bleeped to say that my taxi had arrived. When I had pointed out to work that there were no trains to New Malden on Boxing Day, and that New Malden is beyond the sweaty advances of the tube network, they responded by ordering me a cab, the swines. Clearly I was expecting them to give me a day off and order me to spend it bathing in asses’ milk.
Thinking about it, isn't 'asses' milk' just a posh way of saying 'shit'?
I get in the cab. The driver's Australian. Brilliant. Don't mention the war, James. Don't mention the war. We're driving down the high street. "There's a lot of Chinese around here, aren't there?"
"They're Korean, actually. It's the biggest Korean community in Europe!"
A pause.
"You'll be speaking it soon, then."
Uh-oh. Looks like this guy is a stereotypical cab driver - the kind of cab driver that gives the Radio 4 listening, Camus reading, olive oil glugging majority of cab drivers a bad name.
Being a kind soul, I move the conversation away from multiculturalism to one I assume he'll enjoy: the cricket, and England's incompetence therein.
"Yeah, you were rolled over for 150 odd, and we're 38 for nought."
"Yeah.."
"That Shane Warne though, fucking legend. I know him, actually. Total arsehole. Fucking legend, though"
Fine, good. You know Shane Warne. Of course you do. I sit back and half-listen as he rambles on about being in the Caribbean in 1995 with a girl in a dress made out of the Australian flag. Fine, all good. The conversation washed over me the way sleep used to. "'Course, imagine if an English girl dressed in her flag - in the St George"
"Yeah?"
"The Muslims would complain."
Uh-oh. How did we get back onto this? I thought I'd managed to steer the conversation safely down leg side. But we're back in the corridor of uncertainty.
"Local councils aren't allowed to fly the flag of St George on St George's day; they're banned cos the Muslims complain. But y'know what they were flying the week after? The gay pride flag." "Um..."
"Yeah. And that Ken Livingstone, I've met him, he's a total wanker. Remember that party that got in the paper? That party he was at?" "Yes.." "... that was an Aussie party. I was there, and I was talking to him, and he said he didn't like the Irish, and he lives in Cricklewood, which used to be an Irish area... and that guy up the flag pole, he was English."
He was unstoppable now. Incessant. He was like a monkey with a miniature cymbal - a cymbal full of RACISM.
As we crossed Westminster Bridge, he was on about being in the jungle back when he was in the army - "I was a commando doing some training, and I was in full camouflage, with loads of zinc sun cream on, and we hit this beach... and we came across some English tourists! They were as red as anything." The English can't handle the sun, in my head I'm a big man, a commando, I'm not a taxi driver, I'm mates with Shane Warne...
Nearly there, nearly there... "Anyway mate, good luck with the rest of the series".
Thanks.
|
|
|
To date 33 Comment(s)
TrackBack-URL
Katja
/ Website
(26.12.06 10:51)
I do know the real reason why it's called Boxing Day, but I like yours much better, so I'm going to keep schtum.
|
newmaldenetc
/ Website
(26.12.06 11:06)
I'm sure I've been told before, but I think it's one of those facts that is so boring that my brain decided to instantly forget it, like egg slipping across the surface of a non-stick pan.
|
(26.12.06 11:19)
SHG seems to have gone mad, there. I'm in Dublin, where any mention of Boxing Day is shouted down with "It's St Stephen's Day, you fool!" I'm still ill.
|
amillionpieces
/ Website
(26.12.06 13:37)
Ahh, yes, I dosed fitfully all night and kept flicking on the cricket to hear how much more humiliating it's all becoming. I think I will just cry if I meet any aussies today, or better yet, put them off their guard by admitting how well they've played. Damnation.
I like your explanation. If enough of us believe it and pass it on, then it has to be true.
|
Shg
(26.12.06 14:38)
Its a stupid phone.Actually,its me thats dopey,not the phone.My boxing day is going well.I now have a pet dog.He has no name yet.
|
jamesetcetc
/ Website
(27.12.06 14:23)
Sara - get well soon. I might go and visit my relatives in the old country in Feb. Arrrr! Doubloons! Etc
Shg - You've slimed nonsense all over my prefab non-blog! Well done.
|
nancy leu
/ Website
(5.1.07 10:24)
i like your choice of font, james. georgia never looked better.
very sincerely,
nancy
|
foxyboy
/ Website
(7.1.07 20:15)
At my university they banned st geaorges day , but insisted on celebrating every other nationas national day...now that's racism!!!
|
fashionhause
/ Website
(2.4.07 07:55)
Burberry Equestrian Knight Shoulder Bag
Style: 115898090 . 13.5" x 3.5" x 8", (34cm x 9cm x 20cm). Detachable, Adjustable Strap: 12" - 24" drop . Made in Italy . Beige Equestrian Knight check, dark brown leather trim . Fold over flap top with double magnetic snap closure, black canvas lining . 2 front pockets . Interior zip pocket with 2 compartments for cell phone or blackberry . Serial number embossed . Comes with original dustbag & authenticity tags .
Please check out our website:
http://www.fashionhause.com There are top quality of replica handbags for sell
with perfect weight, feel, and like the originals.or email us : info@fashionhause.com
|
runescape money
/ Website
(28.11.07 01:59)
runescape money runescape gold Louis vuitton replica replica handbags power leveling wow powerleveling wow power leveling world of warcraft power leveling world of warcraft powerleveling
oil painting 网络摄像机 记录仪 温度记录仪 产品设计 power leveling wow power leveling wow power leveling 安检门 检针机 工业设计 embroidery machines sewing machines air conditioner
power leveling wow powerleveling wow power leveling world of warcraft power leveling world of warcraft powerleveling world of warcraft power levelingrunescape money runescape gold
|
paker
/ Website
(10.9.11 04:29)
Miss a tasteful selection of a suitable for their own package, then so much the shape of a beautiful bag, that it was the most humane? In fact, the Coach Bags is a beautiful appearance and user-friendly and lightweight bag that you see online is just the coach that their images were part of the package, it is cheaper, we try to reduce the price of each section, so you to have a good one of their own handbag. ButCoach factory outlet and Coach Outlet also very good.
|
write an essay
/ Website
(20.9.11 13:07)
Essay on writing is a fairly ambiguous assignment. So, you need to plan your angle of attack first. You could write an essay about proper grammar, or you could write an essay about how you personally relate to writing. In fact, one great way to go about attacking an essay on writing is to keep careful track of all the difficulty you are having with the assignment.
_____________
best essay provider
|
Buy online essay
/ Website
(4.10.11 12:01)
If you want to get a good grade, you have to meet your professor at their point of understanding. For an essay writing to be the best, you have to conduct the relevant research and have a wide array of sources of materials which you can use as references. Custom essays have dampened the mood in academia
___________________
buy essay
buy essay online
|
Steve Caplin
(6.2.12 16:52)
I like the idea of helping others which you are doing. Excellent post. I didn't understood all of it though as I don't have technical background, but wonderfully written. I will come back on this site to read more posts for sure. good job. keep it up and God bless you.Printed Circuit Board
|
|
i dont care if it isnt real, its much be
